Tuesday, June 20, 2006

ART AND MARTY SAVE GREENSBORO

Art Rogers and Marty Duren deserve some kind of medal for bravery for their deeds during the SBC in Greensboro. The tell of their willing sacrifice is as follows.

Art, Marty and I were watching from a distance as Kevin Bussey interviewed the wicked Phelps Gang in front of the convention center as the SBC was going on inside. One of the Phelps gang was spewing hate and blasphemy toward Kevin and all other Southern Baptist during the interview. I was wondering what terrible thing must have happened to the poor woman in her childhood to cause her to have such hatred for humanity in her heart. She was even desecrating the Flag of the United States by standing on it. She actually had the nerve to speak abusive words about our service men and women that were fighting for freedom in many parts of the globe. I was about to offer an opinion to Art and Marty when Marty pointed up the street and said: "LOOK AT THAT."

Coming down the street was Ronnie Duke Bigalow being pushed down the street in a FOOD LION shopping cart by someone dressed in a HAZMAT suit. He was coming straight for the Phelps Gang. Art, Marty and I started running toward Ronnie Duke and the person dressed in the HAZMAT suit.

I did not have the bulldogs with me. Luther and Calvin were following Ben Cole around the convention center making sure that no one did him bodily harm. I had dressed them as Catholic Priests and the disguise was working well except for Luther continually barking that the Pope was the Antichrist. Bruce was serving in the same role as guard for Wade. I had him dressed as a hair stylist. Springsteen was with Dorcas Hawker at the Ministers' Wives Luncheon. He had begged Dorcas to take him because he wanted to get some tips for decorating his doghouse.

Back to the story. Art, Marty and I ran up to Ronnie Duke and the HAZMAT person. I yelled: "Ronnie Duke, what are you doing?" The HAZMAT guy pulled off his mask. You would not believe who it was. It was none other than CB Scott. Marty asked: " CB what are you doing?" " Why do you have Ronnie Duke up in this shopping cart" chimed in Art. CB looked mad as a hornet. He said: "I am going to stop the Phelps Gang from desecrating our Flag and speaking ill of our fallen service men and women. I did not tolerate this in Atlanta and I will not tolerate it here." I said: "I thought you had given up your old ways, CB" "I have", stated CB. "I am going to handle this in a hands off fashion." "What are you planning on doing?" asked Marty.

CB smiled with great pride and then told us what he was planning to do. "I borrowed Ronnie Duke from his dad, Roscoe. I took him to lunch and fed him all he could eat. You boys know how this kid can eat and what happens when he does. He ate 6 cans of turnip greens, 3 dozen raw oysters, a pork BB-Q plate, 9 Hershey Bars, a box of Buddy Bars, two strawberry milkshakes, and topped it off with 2 ham and onion sandwichs from Merle's lunch box that he had left over from yesterday. Boys, Ronnie Duke is primed for action. I am going to roll this shopping cart up to the Phelps Gang and spin it around several times and when Ronnie Duke turns green I am going to aim him at the Phelps like a cannon and let him hurl away.

You guys know that Kevin Bussey is immune to toxic hurl so he will be OK, but those Phelps will think judgement has befallen them in the form of "chocolate coated oyster demons." They will run back home screaming and gagging wishing they had never seen Greensboro, North Carolina and the SBC."

About that time Jeff Richard Young and Wes Kenney walked up. Art Looked at us all and said: "Grab him guys. We cannot let him do this. They might have to close down the whole city of Greensboro and the SBC if Ronnie Duke starts to hurl right here in the middle of town." We all jumped on CB. He had on the HAZMAT suit so it was easier to get him down. For insurance I bite down on his big old right ear. Wes jumped up and down on his belly and Jeff sat on his legs.

Suddenly Marty yelled: "Look Ronnie Duke is turning GREEN!!!" Art yelled back for Marty to grab him and put his hand over his mouth. Art ran to get his pickup truck. While CB was calling us traitors to the country, Art and Marty put Ronnie Duke in the bed of the truck and headed up I 40 east as fast as that Dodge would go. They got just beyond Burlington and saw a hog farm. They turned up the dirt road toward the farm. Art looked out and saw about 2000 hogs grazing in a pasture by a lake. He looked at Marty and Marty said: "Why not?"

They stopped the truck and took Ronnie Duke out of the bed. He was green as a tree frog by that time. They pointed him toward the hogs and ran the other way as fast as they could. Then it happened. Ronnie Duke started to hurl.

He hurled for 15 minutes. The grass wilted. Leaves fell from the trees. The hogs smelled the toxic hurl and ran into the lake. They all drown. After it was over Art and Marty went to the farmer's house and explained what happend to his 2000 hogs. They washed Ronnie Duke with a garden hose and gave the farmer Roscoe Bigalow's room number at the Sheraton Hotel in Greensboro assuring him that Roscoe could easily pay market price for the hogs, cash money right out of his pocket.

They put Ronnie Duke back in the bed of the truck just in case and started back to Greensboro. Marty looked at Art and whispered: "2000 hogs, what a hurl." Art looked back and said: "At least it was biblical in proportion."

You now know how Art Rogers and Marty Duren saved Greensboro and preserved the reputation of Blog Town during the SBC 2006.

Were they out of order? Will their action be refered? I think not.

Villa Rica

8 Comments:

Blogger Kevin Bussey said...

Wow!

Thanks Art and Marty! I had no idea!

VR,

This is one of your best! I loved the part about your dogs looking for decorating help!

10:35 AM  
Blogger Jeff Richard Young said...

Dear VR,

No, I don't think it will be refered. No committee will take this kind of motion.

Love in Christ,

Jeff

7:28 PM  
Blogger art rogers said...

Sublimely ridiculous!

I have to stop reading this stuff after everyone else goes to sleep. I get in trouble when I laugh loud enough to wake my wife.

10:06 PM  
Blogger drglenn said...

VR,

Are you a pastor in GA? I read your blogs. How come you choose to remain anonymous?

Is this proper blog etiquette?

11:27 AM  
Blogger Villa Rica said...

Brother drglenn,

Let us take this one question at a time.

I am not in GA. My blood runs crimson.

Thanks for reading my blogs, but obviously you have not read all of them.

I am Villa Rica because I choose not to be drRica. Why are you drglenn?

Surely you know that all of these stories are "larks." Therefore it would not be improper blog etiquette if I called myself GOAT BREATH BILLY.

Now, who is drglenn?

Villa Rica

1:34 PM  
Blogger Dorcas said...

Dr. Glenn's church's website says his full name is Dr. Glenn Canup and he is the Minister for Adult Education and Assimilation.

Glenn ... Minister of Assimilation? Talk about someone who is waiting to be part of a conspiracy theory! Please email me, I would seriously love to hear what such a fun title involves at your church. Does it have to do with a discipleship program?

8:37 PM  
Blogger Jeff Richard Young said...

Dear Dr. Glenn,

I'm afraid that the person/committee/team that made up the title "Minister of Assimilation" is not aware of just how strong an affect Star Trek has had on my generation. The origininal positive connotations of the word "assimilate" have been forever destroyed by the Borg.

Love in Christ,

Jeff

10:37 AM  
Blogger drglenn said...

Dorcas and Jeff,

Assimilation is a new Christian buzzword (like "missional").

I help new members connect to the local body through various ministries, Sunday School, and other disicpleship programs.

I am uncertain as to conspiracies or Star Trek.

4:15 PM  

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