Friday, June 23, 2006

No Girlie Man Here

I was sitting in the Local Cafe this afternoon when I noticed Merle looking at me with a strange look. Merle is a strange guy having served as a Navy Seal in Southeast Asia and being abused by his country when he came home from the war. Also he is the only Nazarene in Blog Town and no one will do mission trips with him except a couple of plumbers, and a few more. No one from TBRBC will even let him work in Back Yard Bible Clubs because TBRBC is an SBC church and Merle was not baptized with the proper water or maybe administrator (who knows). Anyway Merle keeps to himself and serves the Lord here in Local Cafe by engaging those that come in with care and brotherly love, in sort of a "gruff" way. Also, he makes the best high test coffee and ham and onion sandwiches in the world.

So, it is usually no big deal for Merle to look at someone a little strange. But this was beyond that which was even normal for Merle. I wiped my mouth twice to make sure there was no ham drizzle on it. My fishing vest was clean. My Free Wade baseball cap was on straight. I did not have mud on my Red Wing boots. I was reading the Washington Post and drinking HighTest and eating a ham and onion sandwich as usual. My fly was zipped and I had not spit in the floor. I could not figure what was wrong with Merle and why he was looking at me with pure disgust. Finally I could take it no more so I asked him; "Merle what is wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?" Merle answered by saying; "Villa don't talk to me and I am never going fishing or camping with you again!"

I was dumb founded. Through the door walked Bob Rambo (Pastor of TBRBC), Rufus and Roscoe Bigalow (Deacons at TBRBC), CB Scott and a guy I did not know. The pastor was looking at me as if I had the Black Plague. Rufus and Roscoe were grinning that "we've got you now, you Charming Cobra." CB still had his ear wrapped up from where I bit him in Greensboro to keep him from letting Ronnie Duke hurl on the humanity hating Phelps Gang. CB was looking at me with a great anger and the "hint" of revenge in his eye.

The other guy was a stranger to me I had never met him. He just looked at me. I turned to Merle and told him to give all these boy a cup of High Test on me. When everyone got their coffee, they pulled two tables together and each one sat down opposite me and asked me to take a seat facing them.

I decided to do so just to find out what was going on with these guys. Merle started to sit down across from me but Rufus told Merle that this was Baptist business and he knew that even though he may get to the lower side of Heaven someday by some miracle he knew full well he could not be part of anything that Baptist did here on this earth because his baptism was still suspect with the trustees of the IMB and everybody knew they were the final earthly authority on proper baptism.

Merle growled something about hypocrites and Pharisees and sat down on a bar stool at the counter. Pastor Bob Rambo looked at me and said; "Villa, we have come to throw you out of the church. Rufus yelled; "A-MEN." Roscoe said; "that's right, A-men. CB and the stranger just sat there looking at me. CB had that look in his eyes like he has when he is plotting the kind of mischief that no other human has ever dared to think about in the civilized world.

I said; "You can't throw me out of church Dr. Rambo." "Why not?" yelled Rufus. "Because I do not belong to TBRBC and you know it, Rufus. You wouldn't let me join because I was baptized in the Pacific Ocean back in my Hippie days. You know I belong to the MISSION-MINDED MISSIONAL CONSERVATIVE EVANGELICAL REGENERATED MEMBERSHIP WITH INTEGRITY BAPTIST CHURCH over on the other side of Blog Town pond."

"Yes we can throw you out. Our church is the biggest church in Blog Town and the richest and we can do what we want. Just as long as we keep our baptisms up we have authority over your church. Don't we pastor?" said Rufus. I looked at Dr. Rambo and he looked rather uncomfortable. "Not exactly, Rufus, but I think that when we share with Pastor Cole of MMMCERMWIBC what we have found out about Villa he will have no choice but to remove him from the church."

"What have you found out about me?" I asked. Roscoe said; "This fellow sitting beside CB is Tim Rogers. He said you were a girl." "Tim has known CB for a long time and CB vouches for Tim." I looked at all of them for a long time and said; "All of you know I am no girl. CB, you were with me when we went on Disaster Relief for NAMB and you of all people know I am no girl. You are just mad at me for biting you on the ear in Greensboro and you have gotten this guy to help you to cause me problems over it and you know it." CB grinned and said; "Tell him, Tim."

Tim got a very serious look on his face and started as if he were about to preach. He said; "Villa I saw you and four short stocky elves dressed in different clothes all during the SBC. Two of the elves were dressed like Catholic Priests, another was dressed like a hair stylist and the other one was dressed like a little girl. She was with Dorcas Hawker. You were dressed like a woman following a man and woman around. My conclusion is that you are either a cross-dresser or a woman that only dresses like a man here in Blog Town and keeps her true identity when away from here."

CB was grinning from ear to ear. So were Rufus and Roscoe. Dr. Rambo was looking embarrassed. I said; "Tim the four elves you saw were my four bulldogs. They were dressed in disguises because they were doing security for pastor Cole and Wade Burleson. Springsteen wanted to go to the Ministers' Wives Luncheon so Dorcas was kind enough to take him. He wanted to get decorating tips for his doghouse. I was dressed up like Marty Duren's grandmother in order to provide protection for him and his wife, Sonya. CB, you know how to do these things as well as I do. Tell Tim the truth." CB looked at me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I jumped to grab his sore ear. He moved. I landed on Tim Rogers. I thought, "Why not." I bit him on his left ear just as hard as I could. He started to scream like a panther. All of the others started to try to drag me off. My jaws were locked like the jaws of the grand champion sire PIT BULL, Bender S of Cole Manor. Merle was hitting me with his frying pan. Tim Rogers was praying in tongues and saying he would accept the sprinkled even if I would let go. CB was laughing like some depraved devil. Bob Rambo was saying that he knew nothing of Tim's prayer language and was now going to withdraw from this whole ordeal.

Suddenly Ronnie Duke Bigalow walked in the door and said; "Do any of you want this last Buddy Bar, I am full." Everyone shouted out at the same time; "HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?!!!!"
"6 boxes" he answered. Everybody except Tim Rogers took off out the doors running toward the other end of town. Tim did not know Ronnie Duke. Nor did he know what was about to happen to him.


EPILOGUE

I have forgiven Tim Rogers for calling me a girl. It took three Doctors to save his life after receiving the full blast of a Ronnie Duke toxic hurl. He still cannot use the words BUDDY and BAR in the same sentence with passing out or going into shock. The Doctors say it will take time. Lots and lots of time.

Villa Rica

3 Comments:

Blogger Dorcas said...

I think the problem is with the name. A lot of girls names end with "a". Angela, Veronica, Isabella. On the other hand men's names end with e (like Wade), so you could be Vile Rice. Or y (like Marty) Villy Ricky. N like Ben ... Villain Rockin'. Etc. Etc.

9:45 PM  
Blogger art rogers said...

Ha!

10:45 PM  
Anonymous Sonya D said...

So THAT explains the elderly lady who followed me into the restroom looking for the urinals!

3:21 AM  

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