Friday, June 23, 2006

No Girlie Man Here

I was sitting in the Local Cafe this afternoon when I noticed Merle looking at me with a strange look. Merle is a strange guy having served as a Navy Seal in Southeast Asia and being abused by his country when he came home from the war. Also he is the only Nazarene in Blog Town and no one will do mission trips with him except a couple of plumbers, and a few more. No one from TBRBC will even let him work in Back Yard Bible Clubs because TBRBC is an SBC church and Merle was not baptized with the proper water or maybe administrator (who knows). Anyway Merle keeps to himself and serves the Lord here in Local Cafe by engaging those that come in with care and brotherly love, in sort of a "gruff" way. Also, he makes the best high test coffee and ham and onion sandwiches in the world.

So, it is usually no big deal for Merle to look at someone a little strange. But this was beyond that which was even normal for Merle. I wiped my mouth twice to make sure there was no ham drizzle on it. My fishing vest was clean. My Free Wade baseball cap was on straight. I did not have mud on my Red Wing boots. I was reading the Washington Post and drinking HighTest and eating a ham and onion sandwich as usual. My fly was zipped and I had not spit in the floor. I could not figure what was wrong with Merle and why he was looking at me with pure disgust. Finally I could take it no more so I asked him; "Merle what is wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?" Merle answered by saying; "Villa don't talk to me and I am never going fishing or camping with you again!"

I was dumb founded. Through the door walked Bob Rambo (Pastor of TBRBC), Rufus and Roscoe Bigalow (Deacons at TBRBC), CB Scott and a guy I did not know. The pastor was looking at me as if I had the Black Plague. Rufus and Roscoe were grinning that "we've got you now, you Charming Cobra." CB still had his ear wrapped up from where I bit him in Greensboro to keep him from letting Ronnie Duke hurl on the humanity hating Phelps Gang. CB was looking at me with a great anger and the "hint" of revenge in his eye.

The other guy was a stranger to me I had never met him. He just looked at me. I turned to Merle and told him to give all these boy a cup of High Test on me. When everyone got their coffee, they pulled two tables together and each one sat down opposite me and asked me to take a seat facing them.

I decided to do so just to find out what was going on with these guys. Merle started to sit down across from me but Rufus told Merle that this was Baptist business and he knew that even though he may get to the lower side of Heaven someday by some miracle he knew full well he could not be part of anything that Baptist did here on this earth because his baptism was still suspect with the trustees of the IMB and everybody knew they were the final earthly authority on proper baptism.

Merle growled something about hypocrites and Pharisees and sat down on a bar stool at the counter. Pastor Bob Rambo looked at me and said; "Villa, we have come to throw you out of the church. Rufus yelled; "A-MEN." Roscoe said; "that's right, A-men. CB and the stranger just sat there looking at me. CB had that look in his eyes like he has when he is plotting the kind of mischief that no other human has ever dared to think about in the civilized world.

I said; "You can't throw me out of church Dr. Rambo." "Why not?" yelled Rufus. "Because I do not belong to TBRBC and you know it, Rufus. You wouldn't let me join because I was baptized in the Pacific Ocean back in my Hippie days. You know I belong to the MISSION-MINDED MISSIONAL CONSERVATIVE EVANGELICAL REGENERATED MEMBERSHIP WITH INTEGRITY BAPTIST CHURCH over on the other side of Blog Town pond."

"Yes we can throw you out. Our church is the biggest church in Blog Town and the richest and we can do what we want. Just as long as we keep our baptisms up we have authority over your church. Don't we pastor?" said Rufus. I looked at Dr. Rambo and he looked rather uncomfortable. "Not exactly, Rufus, but I think that when we share with Pastor Cole of MMMCERMWIBC what we have found out about Villa he will have no choice but to remove him from the church."

"What have you found out about me?" I asked. Roscoe said; "This fellow sitting beside CB is Tim Rogers. He said you were a girl." "Tim has known CB for a long time and CB vouches for Tim." I looked at all of them for a long time and said; "All of you know I am no girl. CB, you were with me when we went on Disaster Relief for NAMB and you of all people know I am no girl. You are just mad at me for biting you on the ear in Greensboro and you have gotten this guy to help you to cause me problems over it and you know it." CB grinned and said; "Tell him, Tim."

Tim got a very serious look on his face and started as if he were about to preach. He said; "Villa I saw you and four short stocky elves dressed in different clothes all during the SBC. Two of the elves were dressed like Catholic Priests, another was dressed like a hair stylist and the other one was dressed like a little girl. She was with Dorcas Hawker. You were dressed like a woman following a man and woman around. My conclusion is that you are either a cross-dresser or a woman that only dresses like a man here in Blog Town and keeps her true identity when away from here."

CB was grinning from ear to ear. So were Rufus and Roscoe. Dr. Rambo was looking embarrassed. I said; "Tim the four elves you saw were my four bulldogs. They were dressed in disguises because they were doing security for pastor Cole and Wade Burleson. Springsteen wanted to go to the Ministers' Wives Luncheon so Dorcas was kind enough to take him. He wanted to get decorating tips for his doghouse. I was dressed up like Marty Duren's grandmother in order to provide protection for him and his wife, Sonya. CB, you know how to do these things as well as I do. Tell Tim the truth." CB looked at me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I jumped to grab his sore ear. He moved. I landed on Tim Rogers. I thought, "Why not." I bit him on his left ear just as hard as I could. He started to scream like a panther. All of the others started to try to drag me off. My jaws were locked like the jaws of the grand champion sire PIT BULL, Bender S of Cole Manor. Merle was hitting me with his frying pan. Tim Rogers was praying in tongues and saying he would accept the sprinkled even if I would let go. CB was laughing like some depraved devil. Bob Rambo was saying that he knew nothing of Tim's prayer language and was now going to withdraw from this whole ordeal.

Suddenly Ronnie Duke Bigalow walked in the door and said; "Do any of you want this last Buddy Bar, I am full." Everyone shouted out at the same time; "HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?!!!!"
"6 boxes" he answered. Everybody except Tim Rogers took off out the doors running toward the other end of town. Tim did not know Ronnie Duke. Nor did he know what was about to happen to him.


I have forgiven Tim Rogers for calling me a girl. It took three Doctors to save his life after receiving the full blast of a Ronnie Duke toxic hurl. He still cannot use the words BUDDY and BAR in the same sentence with passing out or going into shock. The Doctors say it will take time. Lots and lots of time.

Villa Rica

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


Art Rogers and Marty Duren deserve some kind of medal for bravery for their deeds during the SBC in Greensboro. The tell of their willing sacrifice is as follows.

Art, Marty and I were watching from a distance as Kevin Bussey interviewed the wicked Phelps Gang in front of the convention center as the SBC was going on inside. One of the Phelps gang was spewing hate and blasphemy toward Kevin and all other Southern Baptist during the interview. I was wondering what terrible thing must have happened to the poor woman in her childhood to cause her to have such hatred for humanity in her heart. She was even desecrating the Flag of the United States by standing on it. She actually had the nerve to speak abusive words about our service men and women that were fighting for freedom in many parts of the globe. I was about to offer an opinion to Art and Marty when Marty pointed up the street and said: "LOOK AT THAT."

Coming down the street was Ronnie Duke Bigalow being pushed down the street in a FOOD LION shopping cart by someone dressed in a HAZMAT suit. He was coming straight for the Phelps Gang. Art, Marty and I started running toward Ronnie Duke and the person dressed in the HAZMAT suit.

I did not have the bulldogs with me. Luther and Calvin were following Ben Cole around the convention center making sure that no one did him bodily harm. I had dressed them as Catholic Priests and the disguise was working well except for Luther continually barking that the Pope was the Antichrist. Bruce was serving in the same role as guard for Wade. I had him dressed as a hair stylist. Springsteen was with Dorcas Hawker at the Ministers' Wives Luncheon. He had begged Dorcas to take him because he wanted to get some tips for decorating his doghouse.

Back to the story. Art, Marty and I ran up to Ronnie Duke and the HAZMAT person. I yelled: "Ronnie Duke, what are you doing?" The HAZMAT guy pulled off his mask. You would not believe who it was. It was none other than CB Scott. Marty asked: " CB what are you doing?" " Why do you have Ronnie Duke up in this shopping cart" chimed in Art. CB looked mad as a hornet. He said: "I am going to stop the Phelps Gang from desecrating our Flag and speaking ill of our fallen service men and women. I did not tolerate this in Atlanta and I will not tolerate it here." I said: "I thought you had given up your old ways, CB" "I have", stated CB. "I am going to handle this in a hands off fashion." "What are you planning on doing?" asked Marty.

CB smiled with great pride and then told us what he was planning to do. "I borrowed Ronnie Duke from his dad, Roscoe. I took him to lunch and fed him all he could eat. You boys know how this kid can eat and what happens when he does. He ate 6 cans of turnip greens, 3 dozen raw oysters, a pork BB-Q plate, 9 Hershey Bars, a box of Buddy Bars, two strawberry milkshakes, and topped it off with 2 ham and onion sandwichs from Merle's lunch box that he had left over from yesterday. Boys, Ronnie Duke is primed for action. I am going to roll this shopping cart up to the Phelps Gang and spin it around several times and when Ronnie Duke turns green I am going to aim him at the Phelps like a cannon and let him hurl away.

You guys know that Kevin Bussey is immune to toxic hurl so he will be OK, but those Phelps will think judgement has befallen them in the form of "chocolate coated oyster demons." They will run back home screaming and gagging wishing they had never seen Greensboro, North Carolina and the SBC."

About that time Jeff Richard Young and Wes Kenney walked up. Art Looked at us all and said: "Grab him guys. We cannot let him do this. They might have to close down the whole city of Greensboro and the SBC if Ronnie Duke starts to hurl right here in the middle of town." We all jumped on CB. He had on the HAZMAT suit so it was easier to get him down. For insurance I bite down on his big old right ear. Wes jumped up and down on his belly and Jeff sat on his legs.

Suddenly Marty yelled: "Look Ronnie Duke is turning GREEN!!!" Art yelled back for Marty to grab him and put his hand over his mouth. Art ran to get his pickup truck. While CB was calling us traitors to the country, Art and Marty put Ronnie Duke in the bed of the truck and headed up I 40 east as fast as that Dodge would go. They got just beyond Burlington and saw a hog farm. They turned up the dirt road toward the farm. Art looked out and saw about 2000 hogs grazing in a pasture by a lake. He looked at Marty and Marty said: "Why not?"

They stopped the truck and took Ronnie Duke out of the bed. He was green as a tree frog by that time. They pointed him toward the hogs and ran the other way as fast as they could. Then it happened. Ronnie Duke started to hurl.

He hurled for 15 minutes. The grass wilted. Leaves fell from the trees. The hogs smelled the toxic hurl and ran into the lake. They all drown. After it was over Art and Marty went to the farmer's house and explained what happend to his 2000 hogs. They washed Ronnie Duke with a garden hose and gave the farmer Roscoe Bigalow's room number at the Sheraton Hotel in Greensboro assuring him that Roscoe could easily pay market price for the hogs, cash money right out of his pocket.

They put Ronnie Duke back in the bed of the truck just in case and started back to Greensboro. Marty looked at Art and whispered: "2000 hogs, what a hurl." Art looked back and said: "At least it was biblical in proportion."

You now know how Art Rogers and Marty Duren saved Greensboro and preserved the reputation of Blog Town during the SBC 2006.

Were they out of order? Will their action be refered? I think not.

Villa Rica

Monday, June 05, 2006

Villa's Bulldogs Speak





My name is Bruce. (My handsome "mug" is the picture on top. ) I am one of Villa's four bulldogs. I am the spokesman for the group, because my brother Springsteen and I have been in the spotlight more than our other pals, Calvin and Luther. If you notice Villa is holding my chain. Ben Cole's hand is much smaller than Villa's. As a matter of fact, Villa's hand is "chunky." There is nothing "chunky" about Ben Cole. Villa actually looks like one of my partners that I will introduce to you in a moment. Our job around here is to protect Villa's home and his friends. Occasionally we get the opportunity to chase elephants and bobbed-tailed lions and "Anonies." We have also protected Ronnie Duke Bigalow from the Memphis 30 when they tried to drown him in the Blog Town pond for hurling on them. That was the roughest duty we ever had and also the smelliest. Now I will introduce you to Calvin, Luther and Springsteen.

Next there is Springteen, Villa often calls him "the Boss" because he has such powerful jaws. Springsteen and I often work together. We are in such harmony that when Villa calls us it sounds something like "Bruce, Springsteen." We know that when he calls us it is time to "rock and roll."

Then there is Luther. Many say Luther looks like Villa and Villa looks like Luther. They both have the same build. Their hair is about the same color and as you can see Luther can blend into most any terrain. Villa has the same qualities. They also have the same jaw line. The late Dr. Adrian Rogers once compared Villa to Luther because they look so much alike and have the same personality. Luther is the most vocal when we eat. He is good at "Table Talk." One final thing about Luther is once he bites down on something, he never lets go. It does not matter if it is a steak or the fender of a Pontiac, he just keeps hanging on. He is like that old saying, "he won't let go until it thunders" well, Luther doesn't hear thunder.

Finally I introduce you to Calvin. We all agree that Calvin is the toughest dog that Villa Rica owns. He has fought many battles and has always won. It is as if he was predestined to defeat any "German" Shepard, "Italian" Greyhound, "Spanish" Mastiff, or any pack of mongrels that have ever attacked him. Calvin speaks volumes with just a look. It is by his "institutes" that we work together. The four of us know Villa Rica. We promise you that Ben Cole is not our master, but beware for Villa has promised Ben Cole that we shall accompany him to Greensboro and shall be under his constant command to carry messages or messengers. It matters not to us. Villa says to drop by his place anytime to check us out. He said that he will take you to Local Cafe and buy you a cup of High Test and a ham and onion sandwich. We will wait by the door because Merle always gives us the bones from his BBQ.

So, my anonymous friends, here is the evidence that Ben Cole is not Villa Rica for anyone who raises bulldogs would know that Ben Cole's apartment is not large enough for the four of us and him.

Dorcas, Villa told me to confess to you that it was me, Luther, Calvin and Springsteen that ate your computer. We are sorry and we offer to serve as security to you also in Greensboro as pay back for the loss of your computer.

To our "new" friend in Kingsport, Tennessee, we may stop by and see you. Villa said he wants to buy your lunch at SKOBY'S. Ain't technology great. :-)


Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Hunt Begins

Suddenly and without warning mysterious bounty hunters have started to appear in Blog Town making bold statements about Ben "Rooster Cogburn" Cole. These are three of the notorious "Anonymous Brothers" who are known throughout the west as violent "ambushers" and "back shooters."

They brag that they have come to silence the fastest pen west of the Mississippi.

They have called him a skunk and stated that he writes with too much flair for this neck of the woods. The plan is to "draw down" on his computer and cell phone and put "Rooster" out of business once and for all.

Can peaceful, little Blog Town survive?

What will happen? Only time will tell.

Villa Rica

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Blog Town's Most Wanted Blogger

Wanted Dead or Alive
Ben (Rooster Cogburn) Cole
Reward: Two Trusteeships
on the
Boards of Your Choice
This Bounty is Issued This Day
June 2, 2006
by the
Power Boys Gang of the SBC