ON THE WAY TO THE CARTER CENTER

I have been away from Blog Town for the last several months. Me and Merle went down to Mexico to get my brothers, Poncho and Lefty out of jail, again. They were down there due to running from the Law in Tennessee after stealing Volfanoo7’s low wattage chandelier. While down there they decided to go into a new business. They were going to import Game roosters into Texas for “sporting” purposes. The only problem was that they did not have enough money to buy roosters so they decided to “borrow” them from a fine “sporting” gentleman in Mexico City. In the process of “borrowing” the roosters late one night they got caught.

Borrowing another fellow’s Game roosters in Mexico without asking is very similar to doing so in the USA. They got two years in jail. Me and Merle broke them out and took off to Texas as fast as possible. We got to Fort Worth and split up. Poncho and Lefty opened up a Wild Game Dinner Ministry right there in Fort Worth. Me and Merle borrowed a 2002 Gran Prix that had been borrowed once before and took off for the airport in Dallas. We left the Gran Prix in the parking lot for the “rightful” owner to pick up. We caught a plane to Atlanta. The date was May 17, 2007. Historic in SBC history will be that date.

When we landed we were going to catch a cab into town and buy some new clothes. I needed a new fishing vest. My FREE WADE baseball cap would just have to do until I got back home to Blog Town to get another one. Merle saw no need to buy new clothes. His Tiger Stripe camos he had been issued back in 1969 by Uncle Sam were still in good shape. (by Merle’s standards) What luck! Low and behold there was CB Scott, Ben Cole and Wade Burleson in CB’s SUV.

Merle jumped out in front of the SUV and yelled; STOP as loud as possible. Now, you have to understand Merle is very dark skinned, with a heavy beard. He had not bathed, shaved, or had a haircut in about two months due to our rescue efforts of Poncho and Lefty down in Mexico. He also had a towel around his head due to the heat. What happened next could only happen to a Blog Town resident.

The Atlanta Airport Police saw Merle yell at three guys dressed in black suits riding in a Suburban. They took him to be a terrorist. Two of them started running toward Merle from opposite directions. Now Merle is a retired Navy Seal with much experience in places from as far as Southeast Asia to places snakes and dogs won’t live. These two Policemen were rather large. When Merle saw them coming he waited until they got right up on him and ducked. They ran into each other knocking each other down. When that happened several Airport Policemen came toward Merle. Merle jumped up on the Suburban and started yelling ATTICA, ATTICA like Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon.

CB, Ben and Wade jumped out of the Suburban. 17 Policemen drew their weapons and surrounded the SUV. Blue lights were flashing as more Policemen approached. An SBC Disaster Relief Team started setting up a feeding unit. A group of Japanese tourists starting taking pictures saying; O look a Hollywood movie is being made. One of the tourists looked at Wade and said; Look, DON JOHNSON. They started toward Wade asking for his autograph. Wade got out his ink pen with a smile on his face.

Ben started asking the Policemen how much their guns cost, saying their weapons look far more expensive than other Police issue he had seen. CB started yelling at the Policemen not to shoot because they would hit his SUV rather than Merle. He told the Policemen they did not have enough training. CB said to one of the Policemen; “Let me have your weapon. I’ll shoot him for you. I won’t miss. If I had not been there I would not have believed it. FORTY-ONE SHOTS by Bruce Springsteen came on the Bose radio of the Suburban.

I could take no more. I started to speak in tongues. It was a miracle. The Policemen holstered their weapons. Merle stopped yelling ATTICA and started singing KUMBAYA. Believe it or not all of those Cops began to cry. They explained that they had all been IMB missionaries that had been fired from the Board because they had a PPL. Merle got off the top of the SUV. The crowd began to disperse. CB was still trying to talk one of the Policemen into giving him his sidearm so he could shoot Merle for denting the top of his Suburban. Finally no one was left except me, Merle, Ben, Wade and CB. Merle said to them; “Where are you guys going anyway.” "We are going to see President Jimmy Carter;" said Ben. "JIMMY CARTER!!" screamed Merle. "HEY COPS COME BACK. TAKE ME TO JAIL. I AIN’T GOING TO SEE JIMMY CARTER." Merle is just a stupid NAZARENE, said CB. "Yeah," responded Ben. "Those Nazarenes just do not love each other like us SBC guys, do they?" Wade said; "Hey, there is Marty. Let’s get him and go. This is going to be a great day." CB said with a disgusted look, "If Art had been here this mess would not have happened.

THAT’S MY STORY AND I AM STICKING TO IT.

Villa Rica

No Girlie Man Here

I was sitting in the Local Cafe this afternoon when I noticed Merle looking at me with a strange look. Merle is a strange guy having served as a Navy Seal in Southeast Asia and being abused by his country when he came home from the war. Also he is the only Nazarene in Blog Town and no one will do mission trips with him except a couple of plumbers, and a few more. No one from TBRBC will even let him work in Back Yard Bible Clubs because TBRBC is an SBC church and Merle was not baptized with the proper water or maybe administrator (who knows). Anyway Merle keeps to himself and serves the Lord here in Local Cafe by engaging those that come in with care and brotherly love, in sort of a "gruff" way. Also, he makes the best high test coffee and ham and onion sandwiches in the world.

So, it is usually no big deal for Merle to look at someone a little strange. But this was beyond that which was even normal for Merle. I wiped my mouth twice to make sure there was no ham drizzle on it. My fishing vest was clean. My Free Wade baseball cap was on straight. I did not have mud on my Red Wing boots. I was reading the Washington Post and drinking HighTest and eating a ham and onion sandwich as usual. My fly was zipped and I had not spit in the floor. I could not figure what was wrong with Merle and why he was looking at me with pure disgust. Finally I could take it no more so I asked him; "Merle what is wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?" Merle answered by saying; "Villa don't talk to me and I am never going fishing or camping with you again!"

I was dumb founded. Through the door walked Bob Rambo (Pastor of TBRBC), Rufus and Roscoe Bigalow (Deacons at TBRBC), CB Scott and a guy I did not know. The pastor was looking at me as if I had the Black Plague. Rufus and Roscoe were grinning that "we've got you now, you Charming Cobra." CB still had his ear wrapped up from where I bit him in Greensboro to keep him from letting Ronnie Duke hurl on the humanity hating Phelps Gang. CB was looking at me with a great anger and the "hint" of revenge in his eye.

The other guy was a stranger to me I had never met him. He just looked at me. I turned to Merle and told him to give all these boy a cup of High Test on me. When everyone got their coffee, they pulled two tables together and each one sat down opposite me and asked me to take a seat facing them.

I decided to do so just to find out what was going on with these guys. Merle started to sit down across from me but Rufus told Merle that this was Baptist business and he knew that even though he may get to the lower side of Heaven someday by some miracle he knew full well he could not be part of anything that Baptist did here on this earth because his baptism was still suspect with the trustees of the IMB and everybody knew they were the final earthly authority on proper baptism.

Merle growled something about hypocrites and Pharisees and sat down on a bar stool at the counter. Pastor Bob Rambo looked at me and said; "Villa, we have come to throw you out of the church. Rufus yelled; "A-MEN." Roscoe said; "that's right, A-men. CB and the stranger just sat there looking at me. CB had that look in his eyes like he has when he is plotting the kind of mischief that no other human has ever dared to think about in the civilized world.

I said; "You can't throw me out of church Dr. Rambo." "Why not?" yelled Rufus. "Because I do not belong to TBRBC and you know it, Rufus. You wouldn't let me join because I was baptized in the Pacific Ocean back in my Hippie days. You know I belong to the MISSION-MINDED MISSIONAL CONSERVATIVE EVANGELICAL REGENERATED MEMBERSHIP WITH INTEGRITY BAPTIST CHURCH over on the other side of Blog Town pond."

"Yes we can throw you out. Our church is the biggest church in Blog Town and the richest and we can do what we want. Just as long as we keep our baptisms up we have authority over your church. Don't we pastor?" said Rufus. I looked at Dr. Rambo and he looked rather uncomfortable. "Not exactly, Rufus, but I think that when we share with Pastor Cole of MMMCERMWIBC what we have found out about Villa he will have no choice but to remove him from the church."

"What have you found out about me?" I asked. Roscoe said; "This fellow sitting beside CB is Tim Rogers. He said you were a girl." "Tim has known CB for a long time and CB vouches for Tim." I looked at all of them for a long time and said; "All of you know I am no girl. CB, you were with me when we went on Disaster Relief for NAMB and you of all people know I am no girl. You are just mad at me for biting you on the ear in Greensboro and you have gotten this guy to help you to cause me problems over it and you know it." CB grinned and said; "Tell him, Tim."

Tim got a very serious look on his face and started as if he were about to preach. He said; "Villa I saw you and four short stocky elves dressed in different clothes all during the SBC. Two of the elves were dressed like Catholic Priests, another was dressed like a hair stylist and the other one was dressed like a little girl. She was with Dorcas Hawker. You were dressed like a woman following a man and woman around. My conclusion is that you are either a cross-dresser or a woman that only dresses like a man here in Blog Town and keeps her true identity when away from here."

CB was grinning from ear to ear. So were Rufus and Roscoe. Dr. Rambo was looking embarrassed. I said; "Tim the four elves you saw were my four bulldogs. They were dressed in disguises because they were doing security for pastor Cole and Wade Burleson. Springsteen wanted to go to the Ministers' Wives Luncheon so Dorcas was kind enough to take him. He wanted to get decorating tips for his doghouse. I was dressed up like Marty Duren's grandmother in order to provide protection for him and his wife, Sonya. CB, you know how to do these things as well as I do. Tell Tim the truth." CB looked at me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I jumped to grab his sore ear. He moved. I landed on Tim Rogers. I thought, "Why not." I bit him on his left ear just as hard as I could. He started to scream like a panther. All of the others started to try to drag me off. My jaws were locked like the jaws of the grand champion sire PIT BULL, Bender S of Cole Manor. Merle was hitting me with his frying pan. Tim Rogers was praying in tongues and saying he would accept the sprinkled even if I would let go. CB was laughing like some depraved devil. Bob Rambo was saying that he knew nothing of Tim's prayer language and was now going to withdraw from this whole ordeal.

Suddenly Ronnie Duke Bigalow walked in the door and said; "Do any of you want this last Buddy Bar, I am full." Everyone shouted out at the same time; "HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?!!!!"
"6 boxes" he answered. Everybody except Tim Rogers took off out the doors running toward the other end of town. Tim did not know Ronnie Duke. Nor did he know what was about to happen to him.


EPILOGUE

I have forgiven Tim Rogers for calling me a girl. It took three Doctors to save his life after receiving the full blast of a Ronnie Duke toxic hurl. He still cannot use the words BUDDY and BAR in the same sentence with passing out or going into shock. The Doctors say it will take time. Lots and lots of time.

Villa Rica

ART AND MARTY SAVE GREENSBORO

Art Rogers and Marty Duren deserve some kind of medal for bravery for their deeds during the SBC in Greensboro. The tell of their willing sacrifice is as follows.

Art, Marty and I were watching from a distance as Kevin Bussey interviewed the wicked Phelps Gang in front of the convention center as the SBC was going on inside. One of the Phelps gang was spewing hate and blasphemy toward Kevin and all other Southern Baptist during the interview. I was wondering what terrible thing must have happened to the poor woman in her childhood to cause her to have such hatred for humanity in her heart. She was even desecrating the Flag of the United States by standing on it. She actually had the nerve to speak abusive words about our service men and women that were fighting for freedom in many parts of the globe. I was about to offer an opinion to Art and Marty when Marty pointed up the street and said: "LOOK AT THAT."

Coming down the street was Ronnie Duke Bigalow being pushed down the street in a FOOD LION shopping cart by someone dressed in a HAZMAT suit. He was coming straight for the Phelps Gang. Art, Marty and I started running toward Ronnie Duke and the person dressed in the HAZMAT suit.

I did not have the bulldogs with me. Luther and Calvin were following Ben Cole around the convention center making sure that no one did him bodily harm. I had dressed them as Catholic Priests and the disguise was working well except for Luther continually barking that the Pope was the Antichrist. Bruce was serving in the same role as guard for Wade. I had him dressed as a hair stylist. Springsteen was with Dorcas Hawker at the Ministers' Wives Luncheon. He had begged Dorcas to take him because he wanted to get some tips for decorating his doghouse.

Back to the story. Art, Marty and I ran up to Ronnie Duke and the HAZMAT person. I yelled: "Ronnie Duke, what are you doing?" The HAZMAT guy pulled off his mask. You would not believe who it was. It was none other than CB Scott. Marty asked: " CB what are you doing?" " Why do you have Ronnie Duke up in this shopping cart" chimed in Art. CB looked mad as a hornet. He said: "I am going to stop the Phelps Gang from desecrating our Flag and speaking ill of our fallen service men and women. I did not tolerate this in Atlanta and I will not tolerate it here." I said: "I thought you had given up your old ways, CB" "I have", stated CB. "I am going to handle this in a hands off fashion." "What are you planning on doing?" asked Marty.

CB smiled with great pride and then told us what he was planning to do. "I borrowed Ronnie Duke from his dad, Roscoe. I took him to lunch and fed him all he could eat. You boys know how this kid can eat and what happens when he does. He ate 6 cans of turnip greens, 3 dozen raw oysters, a pork BB-Q plate, 9 Hershey Bars, a box of Buddy Bars, two strawberry milkshakes, and topped it off with 2 ham and onion sandwichs from Merle's lunch box that he had left over from yesterday. Boys, Ronnie Duke is primed for action. I am going to roll this shopping cart up to the Phelps Gang and spin it around several times and when Ronnie Duke turns green I am going to aim him at the Phelps like a cannon and let him hurl away.

You guys know that Kevin Bussey is immune to toxic hurl so he will be OK, but those Phelps will think judgement has befallen them in the form of "chocolate coated oyster demons." They will run back home screaming and gagging wishing they had never seen Greensboro, North Carolina and the SBC."

About that time Jeff Richard Young and Wes Kenney walked up. Art Looked at us all and said: "Grab him guys. We cannot let him do this. They might have to close down the whole city of Greensboro and the SBC if Ronnie Duke starts to hurl right here in the middle of town." We all jumped on CB. He had on the HAZMAT suit so it was easier to get him down. For insurance I bite down on his big old right ear. Wes jumped up and down on his belly and Jeff sat on his legs.

Suddenly Marty yelled: "Look Ronnie Duke is turning GREEN!!!" Art yelled back for Marty to grab him and put his hand over his mouth. Art ran to get his pickup truck. While CB was calling us traitors to the country, Art and Marty put Ronnie Duke in the bed of the truck and headed up I 40 east as fast as that Dodge would go. They got just beyond Burlington and saw a hog farm. They turned up the dirt road toward the farm. Art looked out and saw about 2000 hogs grazing in a pasture by a lake. He looked at Marty and Marty said: "Why not?"

They stopped the truck and took Ronnie Duke out of the bed. He was green as a tree frog by that time. They pointed him toward the hogs and ran the other way as fast as they could. Then it happened. Ronnie Duke started to hurl.

He hurled for 15 minutes. The grass wilted. Leaves fell from the trees. The hogs smelled the toxic hurl and ran into the lake. They all drown. After it was over Art and Marty went to the farmer's house and explained what happend to his 2000 hogs. They washed Ronnie Duke with a garden hose and gave the farmer Roscoe Bigalow's room number at the Sheraton Hotel in Greensboro assuring him that Roscoe could easily pay market price for the hogs, cash money right out of his pocket.

They put Ronnie Duke back in the bed of the truck just in case and started back to Greensboro. Marty looked at Art and whispered: "2000 hogs, what a hurl." Art looked back and said: "At least it was biblical in proportion."

You now know how Art Rogers and Marty Duren saved Greensboro and preserved the reputation of Blog Town during the SBC 2006.

Were they out of order? Will their action be refered? I think not.

Villa Rica

Villa's Bulldogs Speak

Bruce

Springsteen

Calvin

Luther

My name is Bruce. (My handsome "mug" is the picture on top. ) I am one of Villa's four bulldogs. I am the spokesman for the group, because my brother Springsteen and I have been in the spotlight more than our other pals, Calvin and Luther. If you notice Villa is holding my chain. Ben Cole's hand is much smaller than Villa's. As a matter of fact, Villa's hand is "chunky." There is nothing "chunky" about Ben Cole. Villa actually looks like one of my partners that I will introduce to you in a moment. Our job around here is to protect Villa's home and his friends. Occasionally we get the opportunity to chase elephants and bobbed-tailed lions and "Anonies." We have also protected Ronnie Duke Bigalow from the Memphis 30 when they tried to drown him in the Blog Town pond for hurling on them. That was the roughest duty we ever had and also the smelliest. Now I will introduce you to Calvin, Luther and Springsteen.

Next there is Springteen, Villa often calls him "the Boss" because he has such powerful jaws. Springsteen and I often work together. We are in such harmony that when Villa calls us it sounds something like "Bruce, Springsteen." We know that when he calls us it is time to "rock and roll."

Then there is Luther. Many say Luther looks like Villa and Villa looks like Luther. They both have the same build. Their hair is about the same color and as you can see Luther can blend into most any terrain. Villa has the same qualities. They also have the same jaw line. The late Dr. Adrian Rogers once compared Villa to Luther because they look so much alike and have the same personality. Luther is the most vocal when we eat. He is good at "Table Talk." One final thing about Luther is once he bites down on something, he never lets go. It does not matter if it is a steak or the fender of a Pontiac, he just keeps hanging on. He is like that old saying, "he won't let go until it thunders" well, Luther doesn't hear thunder.

Finally I introduce you to Calvin. We all agree that Calvin is the toughest dog that Villa Rica owns. He has fought many battles and has always won. It is as if he was predestined to defeat any "German" Shepard, "Italian" Greyhound, "Spanish" Mastiff, or any pack of mongrels that have ever attacked him. Calvin speaks volumes with just a look. It is by his "institutes" that we work together. The four of us know Villa Rica. We promise you that Ben Cole is not our master, but beware for Villa has promised Ben Cole that we shall accompany him to Greensboro and shall be under his constant command to carry messages or messengers. It matters not to us. Villa says to drop by his place anytime to check us out. He said that he will take you to Local Cafe and buy you a cup of High Test and a ham and onion sandwich. We will wait by the door because Merle always gives us the bones from his BBQ.

So, my anonymous friends, here is the evidence that Ben Cole is not Villa Rica for anyone who raises bulldogs would know that Ben Cole's apartment is not large enough for the four of us and him.

Dorcas, Villa told me to confess to you that it was me, Luther, Calvin and Springsteen that ate your computer. We are sorry and we offer to serve as security to you also in Greensboro as pay back for the loss of your computer.

To our "new" friend in Kingsport, Tennessee, we may stop by and see you. Villa said he wants to buy your lunch at SKOBY'S. Ain't technology great. :-)

Bruce

The Hunt Begins

Suddenly and without warning mysterious bounty hunters have started to appear in Blog Town making bold statements about Ben "Rooster Cogburn" Cole. These are three of the notorious "Anonymous Brothers" who are known throughout the west as violent "ambushers" and "back shooters."

They brag that they have come to silence the fastest pen west of the Mississippi.

They have called him a skunk and stated that he writes with too much flair for this neck of the woods. The plan is to "draw down" on his computer and cell phone and put "Rooster" out of business once and for all.

Can peaceful, little Blog Town survive?

What will happen? Only time will tell.


Villa Rica

Blog Town's Most Wanted Blogger

Wanted Dead or Alive

Ben (Rooster Cogburn) Cole

Reward: Two Trusteeships

on the

Boards of Your Choice

This Bounty is Issued This Day

June 2, 2006

by the

Power Boys Gang of the SBC

Elephants in Blog Town

Several of us were walking toward the big white tent that Ben Cole had set up across the street from Local Cafe and the Blog Town courthouse. We had been to the courthouse to listen in on Dorcas Hawker as she represented Merle in a civil suit against Roscoe Bigalow. If you have been keeping up with the Blog Town news then you know Roscoe's boy, Ronnie Duke, had recently had an eating spree after which he erupted and hurled in the projectile type so badly in Merle's Local Cafe that the EPA shut it down for three weeks due to what is written up as a TOXIC WASTE spill. Dorcas is really taking Roscoe to the "cleaners." She has demanded that Roscoe pay for the same crew that cleaned up the Exxon-Valdez oil spill be hired to clean up the Local Cafe. She also demanded that Roscoe pay to have Blog Town Pond cleaned and re-stocked with fish due to the fact that I along with Tom Ascol had jumped in it after Ronnie Duke hurled on us. The toxic chemical content on our clothes was so great that it killed all the fish and two snapping turtles.

In addition, she demanded for Roscoe to rebuild the Blog Town Cleaners. When Wade took his black suit there to be cleaned after his encounter with Ronnie Duke, Chucky Spurgeon (C.H. Spurgeon's great-grandson) inadvertently lit a cigar too close to the yet to be cleaned suit. The fumes from the suit exploded into flames. Fire quickly spread through out the whole building. Thankfully, all of the employees escaped without harm. The building, though, was a complete loss. Chucky and Wade escaped, but Chucky's beard was scorched and the smell was awful. Strangely, Wade did not have one hair out of place. "Neither was his coat changed, nor the smell of fire has passed on him." It seems Wade always comes out of the fire well. Remember my story: WHY WADE SHALL PREVAIL IN SHINAR.

As we were going into the tent, I told Art Rogers, that the next time I get into trouble, I am going to get Dorcas Hawker to defend me since Johnny Cochrane had died. The odor of ham frying and onions being sauteed sure did smell good as we approached the tent. Ben Cole is not one to let an opportunity slip by him. As soon as Local Cafe closed down for cleaning, Ben put up the tent and started cooking ham and onion sandwiches plus other Blog Town favorites such as Boloney Burgers, Spam Topped Pizzas and B-B-Q. He also serves High-test coffee, Sanka and has even rented a Latte machine for the college crowd. He said that he was actually thankful for Ronnie Duke because this had given him an opportunity to make some extra money to help cover his cell phone bill and travel expenses.

Just last night we had a "send off party" for Wes Kenny and Jeff Richard Young. They are on their way to Albuquerque to continue fasting and praying for the IMB trustee meeting. They are really serious about this thing. They have decided to walk from Blog Town to Albuquerque in robes that they borrowed from some Franciscan Monks. They wanted to retain the look of an intellectual so rather than wearing sandals they bought some two toned, tasseled loafers like Marty Duren wears. It certainly works for him so why wouldn't it work for them also?

Just about the whole gang was under the tent, eating, drinking and having a great time. I was drinking High-test, eating a ham and onion sandwich and reading the Washington Post. Kevin Bussey was sitting with me. He was drinking a Latte from a gallon paint bucket that Ben had gotten just for him and eating a 32 oz. BBQ Spam sandwich. He was also reading a biography of Bear Bryant. Over at another table were Wade and a new guy who has been visiting with him. His name is Brad Reynolds. They were debating about a sign that Brad wanted to put up at the entrance of the tent. Brad wanted the sign to read; RONNIE DUKE BIGALOW IS NOT ALLOWED IN THIS TENT.

Wade kept saying; "As long as he does not eat too much he should be allowed in the tent." Brad was relentless. He stated; " That boy should not be allowed to eat in this tent. Frankly, I don't believe that he should be allowed to eat the way that he does even in the privacy of his own home. He should only be allowed to eat that which will keep him for hurling such an "unknown substance." "I believe that we should send a committee over to the Bigalow home and tell them what is and is not acceptable for Ronnie Duke to have as a food source."

Marty Duren and Art Rogers were at another table discussing the ethics of plugging one's post on another person's blog site. Jason Sampler was on his cell phone talking to Joe Kennedy about a book he was reading by F. W. Krummacher. It was an exceptional day for the gang. The great Gene M. Bridges was also there. He was eating a Boloney Burger, drinking high test while reading two books, a newspaper and the Founder's Journal. In addition, he was typing on his laptop and talking on his cell phone with Oprah Winfrey, no less, explaining to her that her theology was way beyond the boundaries of Orthodox Christianity. He was able to do all of this at the same time without even having to use a napkin. That man is amazing.

CB Scott was standing in front of a mirror which Ben had mounted on a tent pole and trying to get his hair to stay in position like Tom Hanks' hair in the Da Vinci Code. I was really beginning to feel sorry for the poor guy because it just wasn't working.

Suddenly, Merle yelled from outside the tent for us all to come outside.

(Merle was outside the tent because he had been told by Brad that since he was a Nazarene, he needed to get his own tent. He tried to explain to Brad that the very land where Ben's tent stood belonged to him and that even though tents came and went the land was permanent. His explanation was to no avail.)

As everyone went outside you would not believe what we saw. There was the biggest tractor that John Deere makes parked in front of the tent. Hitched to it was a flat bed trailer that was at least sixty feet long. The tractor and the trailer, however, were not the thing of amazement. It was their contents. Upon the front end of the trailer was an elephant and at the back end of the trailer there was another elephant. And in the middle of the trailer there was a cage which contained an African Lion with a bobbed-tail. Up in the cab of the tractor sat Dr. Bob Rambo. Dr. Rambo was the pastor of Tobacco Barn Road Baptist Church (TBRBC). Along beside him, driving the tractor was Rufus Bigalow. Sitting upon the head of the elephant that was on the back of the trailer was none other than little Ronnie Duke Bigalow eating a bag of Fig Newtons.

Dr. Rambo and Rufus got down out of the tractor. They both were grinning from ear to ear. CB Scott looked at Dr Rambo and asked; "Where did you get those elephants?" Rufus answered before Dr Rambo could. He said; "I got them at a foreclosure sale of a bankrupt circus." "Where did you get the lion?" asked Jason Sampler. "And where is his tail?" chimed in Marty.

Rufus looked sheepishly down at the ground. "Go ahead and tell them." said Dr Rambo. Rufus said; " You remember when I gave that $500,000.00 to RBTS (Really Big Theological Seminary)? Everyone said, "Yes." "Well," continued Rufus, "The president of RBTS invited me to go on an African Safari with him. We went and had a good time, but there was one problem. President Bishop shot at a lion and well, he sort of hit the lion and missed him at the same time. He ended up shooting the lion's tail off right at his hind parts. That lion must have gotten an adrenalin rush when that happened, cause he took off and out ran a Land Rover going over a hill. President Bishop never got off another shot. We were able to retrieve the tail though and he has it in his office. It is attached to the pull cord of the ceiling fan."

"How did you get the lion, Rufus?" asked Gene M. "Well, PETA caught the lion and brought it back to the states. I found out about it and promised them that my wife would chain herself to a Japanese whaling ship if they would sell it to me. They agreed, so here we are and my wife is on her way to Japan."

"What do you plan to do with these animals?" asked Art. Dr Rambo said; "I can answer that one. TBRBC is going to use them for evangelism and outreach. I got the idea from a church in the next county. They have a baptismal pool shaped like a Harley Davidson motor cycle. Everytime they baptize someone flames shoot out of the tail pipes when the baptismal candidate comes up out of the water. They have had great results with youth outreach. An added bonus that they had not expected was that last year alone they baptized 863 Hell's Angels. Some of them were baptized 3 times when the church had Rayley Plith for revival."

"We are going to put a baptismal pool in a circus ring outside TBRBC in the parking lot. We are going to add a little extra excitement to the event. Before the baptismal candidate steps into the pool the elephants are going to spray water on them from their trunks. Kind of like a pre-baptismal ceremony. After the candidate is actually baptized and comes up from the water then the lion will roar just like the one does at the beginning of those Hollywood movies."

There was a long silence within the whole group. Finally, Gene M. Bridges said; "Dr. Rambo will you come in the tent? I want to buy you a Latte and talk to you for a moment." Rufus said; "I am hungry after that long trip. Let's all go in and I will buy everyone some ice cream." Ronnie Duke started to jump off the elephant. Ben saw him and yelled; "Ronnie Duke, how many Fig Newtons have you had?" Two bags, this one is my third." Ben looked at Rufus and said; "Ronnie Duke has to stay out of the tent today." Rufus agreed and told his nephew to stay upon the elephant and he would bring him some ice cream later.

Everyone went into the tent. Ben started serving everyone their orders. Ice cream would come later for desert. It was about this time that my four bulldogs, Calvin, Luther, Bruce and Springsteen got out of the fence and came walking down the road toward the tent. When Luther saw the lion, he went nuts. He charged the trailer. Bruce, Springsteen and Calvin quickly followed after him. The bulldogs started to climb up on the trailer. Ronnie Duke yelled at the dogs to leave his lion alone. He started throwing Fig Newtons at them. He saw this wasn't stopping them so he started to climb down off the elephant to defend his lion from my bulldogs. He got off the elephant's head onto the top of the lion's cage. As he started down the cage, he stepped on the latch on the cage door. The door fell open. The bulldogs started in after the lion and the lion came out after the bulldogs. A great fight started. Then the lion saw an opening on the tent. He probably thought it was a cave.

You guessed it, He ran into the tent with the bulldogs right behind him and Ronnie Duke right behind them. Marty and Art saw them coming first. Marty started to jump over the grill. Art grabbed him and said; Not this time." Art took out his Swiss Army knife and cut right through the tent and he, Marty, and Jason Sampler along with Rufus went right out through the hole.

The lion jumped upon the table where Kevin and I were. He tried to take a bite of Kevin's BBQ. Kevin hit him with his hockey stick, grabbed his BBQ and Latte and started out the door. I said, "Now you have made him mad." I started out after Kevin. The lion clawed at me and ripped my fishing vest and knocked off my FREE WADE baseball cap. My bulldogs came to the rescue and took up my offence with the lion. As I went out the door of the tent I grabbed Ronnie Duke, put my hand firmly over his mouth and ran as fast as I could.

Gene M Bridges and Bob Rambo never moved. They were so deep in conversation that it was the next day before they realized what had happened.

Ben and CB were the last ones out of the tent before it fell in. Ben came around the counter and jumped on CB's back and reminiscent of Forest Gump, yelled "RUN, CB, RUN." CB realized that he now had a true opportunity to be like Tom Hanks. He shot out of the tent faster than Elijah ran to Jezreel.

The lion must have been hungry. He took off after them because Ben smelled like ham, Spam and onions. (What could smell better?) The bulldogs were running after them all. They headed in the directions of Greensboro. ABP picked up the story and naturally got it wrong. Due to the fact that CB had been letting his hair grow out to look like Tom Hanks and he was running so fast the ABP news reporter saw his hair flowing in the wind and mistook him as an old white maned lion with a monkey on his back being chased by a younger bobbed-tailed lion and four bulldogs, all headed toward Greensboro.

The news was picked up by the RBTS staff. They told President Bishop. President Bishop grabbed his big game rifle and said; "Let's go." "Two lions and an ape on the way to Greensboro will be the beginning of a good day."

Disclaimer: Again, I must remind all readers that this parable is just for fun. Sometimes we need to laugh at ourselves. As Villa Rica, my goal is just that-- for us to get away from the seriousness of life for just one moment and grin in spite of it all.

I truly love everyone mentioned or alluded to in this story, if not I would not dare to mention them.

Villa Rica